The worst of times, the best of times

The worst of times, the best of times… “I just love this country, I won’t lie” “What have you seen again that has suddenly turned you into a gushing patriot?” “I mean, just look around, in spite of everything, Nigerians always give you an opportunity to laugh.” “And if I may ask…” “Did you read the report on what the Inspector General of Police, Ibrahim Idris said about the allegations against him by Senator Isa Misau?”

“What did he say? I didn’t find that funny at all.” “He started by informing the Senate that he is free to have romantic affairs with any female police officer of his choice, fair or dark-skinned, plus-sized or lepacious, short or tall, heavy or flat chested, Oshodi Oke or Oshodi Isale, landcruiser or Volkswagen…” “The man didn’t say all that.” “You don’t get the picture. He said as a Muslim he is in fact entitled to four wives, and so, it goes to no point at all, when Senator Misau accuses him of having affairs with two police women- Amina and Esther.”

“Imagine the Inspector General of Police boasting about his right to marry four women, and that makes headline news.” “You can’t blame him for the headline news. You should blame journalists. He has a right to defend himself. In fact, he gave Senator Misau a Technical Knock Out, when he reminded him that Misau’s own parents met each other as police officers. His father, a retired AIG, married his mother a Police Inspector when they were both in service. And let’s be fair to IGP Idris.

He has a sense of balance in his private life: Amina and Esther, a Muslim and a Christian.” “I really don’t find this whole thing funny at all. Instead of addressing the substance of Senator Misau’s allegations, what everyone is interested in is the right of police officers to marry their female colleagues or have affairs with them, and I guess vice versa. And by the way, didn’t the police PRO deny all of this?” “He didn’t deny anything. The man issued a meaningless statement.

He said the IGP did not say that he is free to romance policewomen, but that there is no law that stops a police officer from marrying another police officer. What exactly is the PRO saying? Is he from one of those Kaduna State schools?” “I think you can now see why the Nigeria Police has been branded the worst in the world. This kind of conversation can only take place in Nigeria.”

“It happens in other parts of the world too. In any case, that is not why one foreign group declared the Nigeria Police the worst in the world. The group talked about Capacity, Process, Legitimacy and Outcomes.” “Break it down. So, in which of those categories is the Nigeria Police Force the best in the world?” “We have performed very well in international peace-keeping operations!” “Come to think of it, I wonder who wrote that on behalf of the Police Headquarters.

Does anybody help to vet Police press statements at all?” “Don’t be too hard on our policemen. We have fine police officers.” “Like those ones that resorted to street-fighting in Port Harcourt, with one gang fighting for the Minister of Transportation, and the other gang defending the Governor of the State over whose convoy has the right of way.” “That was shameful. But you can’t blame the police.

Blame Nyesom Wike and Rotimi Amaechi. Instead of dragging the police into their matter, Wike and Amaechi should have settled the matter man-to-man, get down from their vehicles and use their fists. Unless they do that, there may be no peace in Port Harcourt.” “You are recommending physical combat?” “Yes, the way they are going.

A heavyweight combat: It is called two-fighting. In any case, the Governor has immunity. He is free to fight.” “But you see, when the international community sees Nigerian policemen getting involved in partisan politics or carrying bags for the wives of politicians, nobody needs to do any special investigation. They will just conclude that this must be the worst police in the world.” “Don’t mind those ones. They should leave our Police for us, oh. They may not be very good at home, but they are winning international medals.

That is ca-pa-city!” “I see you keep defending the Police. Just find a way of advising the Inspector General of Police to focus more on important matters. He runs the risk of being remembered as a romantic Police IG of the Amina and Esther fame! For Heaven’s sake the PRO should have just denied that the IGP ever made a statement and leave it there.”

“You want to teach the Police how to start telling lies?” “Okay. I just hope that some day in the future, some retired policewomen will not come forward to talk about how some of their former bosses used to harass them for romantic affairs!” “That cannot happen in this country. Is this America?” “Nigerian women must stand up for their rights” “You like to speak grammar. Go and ask those Nollywood actresses who stood up recently to say some actors have harassed them in the past.

by Reuben Abati