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If you touch me, I’ll get pregnant

If you touch me, I’ll get pregnant



By Funke Egbemode

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‘If you touch me I will get pregnant. That is what my mummy told me and my mummy is always right.’

‘You must be really fertile if just my touch will make you pregnant. What if I touch your thighs?’


‘Your inner thighs…’


‘You will scream my name and say, oh my horse.’

‘Horse? That will mean a ride?’

‘My point exactly. A long wild gallop.’

‘My mummy said such thoughts and talk is for only girls going to hell.’

Excerpt from a conversation between a soon-to-be-bride and a eager suitor.

Let’s dive right in. Every man must be careful what they wish and pray for. If you want a mummy’s girl, prude, prim and proper, it’s not a sin. If you want a fresh-faced girl with fresh thighs whose path had hardly been walked, you have a right to want her. If your choice is the praying girl who wants to wait until her wedding night before you can thread her needle, your pastor will love you from here to Paradise and back. Her mother will bless you with the blessings of the womb. Really, it is a beautiful and decent thing to do. Imagine if all men will wait to pay for their chosen piece of land before plowing it. Imagine a world without shifting cultivation, crop rotation and then abandoned property. Just close your eyes and imagine it. That would be the closest we could ever get to the Garden of Eden, right? But it is just me wishing for the moon. Men, they turn too many pretty pink things to cold hard black. It is only in the intimate department that men want to suspend the law of harvest until they are ready. They want to sow and sow all over the place and just move on. But then, can one blame these prolific sowers, considering that the pretty pink things are almost always willing or cajoled partners in the crime. The only part I have issues with is when and where a man who has tilled many farmlands and vandalized many properties wants to marry a if-you-touch-me-I-will-get-pregnant girl. It is not right, you know. How can a badly used man want a brand-new or fairly-used girl? But the fairness of it is not the matter in point today. The heart of the matter is why men go all out to look for a particular kind of women to marry only to launch into a litany of complaints on how they are not or no longer happy with the choices they make with their eyes wide open. If she was a proper church girl, she will come with certain added advantages and well, disadvantages too.

Jimmy is complaining, for example. Very loudly too.

‘My wife wants us to pray before having sex if she is ovulating. She said we must lay a proper foundation for our children by conceiving them in a holy atmosphere. And there are only two approved sex positions in our bedroom and no touching outside the bedroom. She wants to go to vigil every Friday. I want to hang out with my wife after years of doing all those things guys do at weekends. I want to avoid the temptation of going to my old ways. My wife said she does now want me to lead her down the path of perdition. She does not want to wear the bum shorts I bought her for my viewing pleasure. She said her body is the temple of God. She has a bible passage and sermon for everything I do or don’t do. I just feel like I’m permanently in the presence of an old stern headmistress. ‘

Now, Jimmy is threatening that if Lily does not change, he will be forced to seek what he wants farther afield. He wanted a fresh girl, he got Lilly. Shouldn’t he just water her? It is not fair to diligently seek a prize, win it and then refuse to cherish it. I do not understand why a man who wants to continue to go to night clubs will go for a vigil-going wife. If he does not want to change from his night-clubbing ways, why does she expect her to change her church-going ways?

My point here; do not marry a woman you cannot or are not willing to live with forever. If she’s fresh-faced and doesn’t wear make-up and that is the attraction, brace up bro, she just might never want to wear make-up. You cannot abandon your long-skirt-wearing girl after marriage just because she won’t wear short skirts or bum shorts. Some things men take at face value actually run deep.

‘I cannot marry a woman who will depend on me for everything from her bra to sanitary pad’

There’s another group of husbands-in-waiting.

You hear men say that all the time when they are still single and searching. Then after they find the brilliant, successful non-dependent career-focused girl, they start singing another song.

‘She’s hardly ever home. If she’s not working late, she’s attending a conference in Abuja.’

‘She has ceded her duties as a wife to the housekeeper. The children are closer to their nanny than their mother.’

‘I can’t remember the last time she cooked for me.’

‘Do you know she has started her PhD program? I don’t know what she is really looking for?

Do you see our local trouble? First, he wanted a woman who can hold her own, a working woman who does not wait on her man to pick her bills. He did a diligent search, found her, now he’s complaining. Didn’t anybody teach these guys that actions and lifetime decisions should not be taken lightly? An independent woman is not just a designer-suit-wearing elegant woman to be displayed on her man’s arms. She is a working woman going somewhere to happen big. She is a Client Service Executive working her way up to the Directors Floor. She is a young lawyer who wants to become a Justice of the Supreme Court or Senior Advocate of Nigeria. She is a caterer who wants to be an event planner all Governors and First Ladies call for their events.

Yes, your independent wife can cook and will cook, but not three times a day. She will take care of your laundry but not darn your socks. No. She will ensure you always have brand new socks, dozens of them. She will appreciate it if you buy her a new car but you must be prepared, her next official vehicle may be bigger than yours. It is what it is. You wanted a big girl, you got her. Keep her, enjoy her and learn to live with the details that come with your choice.

A young man once told me he wanted a full time housewife when he grows up because he didn’t want his wife to work the kind of hours I worked. He has grown up now and no longer wants a wife whose job is to keep house and raise the children. It’s part of growing up. A full-time housewife is a very busy, consummate manager of men and resources. That is one role men cannot, can never play. They are not designed for it and their wires will cross and blow in maximum 30 days if they try it. Nobody should look down on a full-time housewife.

However, if you opt for a wife who will wait on you hand and foot, keep your home clean and safe, raise impeccable children, you must be ready for the financial heavy lifting. That is a must. When you decide to get in that river, you are not allowed to complain of the cold or heavy tides. Swim you must and we will pray for grace for you. That’s the best we can do.

For men who want their wives to be beautiful, hmmm, you know the scores, I hope.

‘She must have the right curves in the right places.’

‘I’m a boobs guy. She should be at least a 38F.’

‘I’m all about the rearview. She must have a stunning backside.’

‘Fair complexion and oval face for me any day.’

Well, my brother, when you place your order, you must love the tray when it arrives with all the garnishing. For men who love head-turners, your head is not the only one your wife will turn. You are not the only one who loves her winning ‘Arsenal’ and eye-popping ‘Manchester’.

Who no like better thing?

‘As he dey sweet you, he dey pain other men’ because they wish they were in your shoes, or in your bed. They got eyes too. So, if a beauty queen is your spec, get rid of all your jealous streaks. See your pastor for a special deliverance session so you do not die before God’s appointed time for you. Other men will want her forever. Know this and know peace.

Every man should consider carefully and deeply what he wants in a wife material. Wives are not disposable runs-girls. Check the User’s Manual with a fine tooth comb. Make sure you understand the details of your choice. If you want loud moans and explicit ring tones, you must buy the appropriate brand of phone. You get my drift? Good boy.

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